PoliTalk Co-Host Nominated for Prestigious Fields Medal

Many know Jeff Kimball as the co-host of the popular PoliTalk podcast, as a featured actor in the upcoming American Jubilee movie (www.ajmovie.com), or a former aide to three US Senators. What many people don’t know is that Jeff has led a quiet life as a genetic engineer, resulting in a nomination for one of the most prestigious awards in science.

Yesterday at their bi-decamal meeting, The Fields Foundation announced that Jeff Kimball would be granted the Pioneer of Science Award. Mr. Kimball’s research focuses on the engineering the molecular structure of the Great American Horned Toad and a common Northeastern Hamster. The resulting species, The Great American Horned Toad Northeastern Hamster, or Horny Hamster, is bred for a number of practical purposes.

Recently, Mr. Kimball stunned many in the health field by unveiling the Horny Hamster’s ability to identify cancer cells. “We discovered that the Hamster, when crawling on the human body, identifies areas where cancer cells are growing by initiating a rarely seen tribal dance,” Kimball said, “It’s quite remarkable. Here you have this tiny animal crawling on the stomach of a subject, and then out of nowhere it’s as if a DJ is breaking down slamming tunes. The hamster stands on its hind legs and starts shaking to the most amazing groove. It’s just a classic shakedown, although it’s more Grateful Dead at times than anything else. Unfortunately that’s when we know the cancer is really bad.”

More controversial are the Horny Hamster’s military and national security uses. The hamster has been known to infiltrate terrorist pet shops in foreign countries, mix in with other hamsters, and then when a triggering mechanism is keyed, the hamster proceeds to vomit, eat the vomit, regurgitate the vomit, mix it with a hint of almond and a smattering of blueberry, eat the vomit and then regurgitate it a final time, causing panic in the hamster cage and raising the curiosity of the terrorist pet owner. At that point, the owner comes over and the hamster spontaneously combusts, quite possibly hurting an eye or upper forearm of the terrorist pet owner. “It’s hard finding terrorists that use pet shops as fronts for their ungodly acts of evil,” said Mr. Kimball. “But when we do, the Horny Hamster is the perfect foil. As a Westernized and unusual hamster, it’s usually coveted by pet store owners who are attracted to its cuddly nature. But then when they get close — bam, the Hamster takes them down. Well, not really “down” per se, but it kind of hurts them in a scary way, like a really bad paper cut or an angry cat. I’m just proud to be able to do my part in the War against Terror.”

The award is somewhat controversial because Mr. Kimball holds no actual degree in science or bioengineering, but as a lifelong enthusiast he has built an impressive resume. “Kimball is a visionary,” said GenTech’s Bruce Arnold. “He’s a real jerk personally, but his work is top notch. If you can suffer through 15 minutes with the guy, you’ll learn a lot. I try to actually talk to him only once every few years — that’s the most I can take — but we communicate mostly by email, and so I’m able to validate that the science is good.” Others in the field disagree.  “Oh fiddle sticks,” commented Harry M. Smith, Ph.D., M.D., EdD, MA. “In time Mr. Kimball will be revealed to be the fraud that he is. He can take his Horny Hamster and shove it.”

The Fields Medal comes with a monetary award of $18.69. Mr. Kimball plans to use the money for research, and give the remainder to charity. “I’d just like to thank my friends and family for their support,” Kimball concluded. “This really isn’t about me, it’s about the team. I’m just one of many here. It takes a village and we’re all in this together.”

Mr. Kimball is now exploring other uses for the Horny Hamster. “I’m re-engineering it now to shuck corn. Of all the pursuits in life, it’s hard to find value in shucking corn. The corn never comes out perfect — there’s always those little strands left, and it’s just a waste of time. Nobody has ever been able to mechanize this, and so I’m giving it a shot. If we can’t bring technology to bear to solve this terrible problem, then bioengineering will have to do. If I can teach this hamster to shuck the corn and deliver a perfectly clean corn on the cob, think of the ramifications. We’d not only save 2-3 minutes in a day, but the whole corn industry would be turned on its head. This is a game changer. I can feel it.”

For more information, contact Mr. Kimball at Jeff@kimballwriter.com.

 

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2 responses to “PoliTalk Co-Host Nominated for Prestigious Fields Medal

  1. Happy April Fools Day!

  2. For those of you who are thinking Jeff’s post was just a really funny attempt at April Fools humor – think again. A team of colleagues and I including several researchers from the Glenn Beck show and the birther legal team who is advising Donald Trump have determined that embedded in this so-called April Fools post, are code words for kicking off a socialist revolution in the United States.

    I kid you not! Mr. Kimball’s recent lurch to the right on union and fiscal issues was simply a cover to throw our team off the track.

    So where are the coded messages?

    $18.69 cents – or really 1869 – is it a reference to the Fiske/Goulde scandal that rocked the Grant Presidency? Speculators tried to corner the market for gold causing the Feds to issue more currency – Greenbacks – destabilizing our economy? Is this a veiled reference to what will happen as the US dollar is about to lose its status as a world reserve currency? – Well no.

    But it is the year that Barack Obama’s paternal Grandfather was born setting off a chain of events that led to the first illegitimate leader of the United States (mind you I don’t know this for a fact but a guy on the corner of 42nd St said it right before they hauled him away for urinating in public). Beck’s research team seems to think this theory has legs. George Soros was seen in Times Square just moments before.

    And what of the reference to a “hamster shucking corn” and “horny hamster” – these are the actual code words for the socialist aliens – yes I said aliens – Space not Mexico –to launch their crafts and start consuming the food that they have created – BTW – we are the food.

    It’s ironic that we feed our animals corn – which is completely unnatural for chickens and cows to eat – to fatten them up for slaughter.

    Corn was actually introduced to earth by the socialist aliens to work its way into our food supply and make us all fat. Glenn’s several references to corn in the past few Politalk episodes were laying the groundwork for this coded message. Now that the socialist aliens have fattened us up and our “horniness” has led to an overpopulated planet – the aliens know that its time to come reap what they have sown.

    This blog post has initiated their journey from another part of the galaxy and they will arrive here on Dec 21st, 2012. In true socialist fashion, when they were here last, they initiated a massive public works project in what is now considered Central America to build what became the Mayan Civilization. This is why the Mayan’s knew it was coming. Mayan is the word for “Union Boss” in the alien socialist language.

    And Obama’s role? A patsy was required to completely de-stabalize the country and render us bankrupt and unable to defend against the invasion. Lee Harvey Oswald was the first, but as it turned out, Lyndon Johnson was not quite incompetent enough to pave the way for the alien return.

    The socialist aliens are not ready to harvest any other country yet, only we are fat enough, the other countries will hang us out to dry when we ask them for financial assistance to build new weapons. Yes – the high fat content in Chinese food is part of the conspiracy.

    Get in your bunkers folks – but don’t take any corn or MSG – they can smell it on you!!!!!

    I have to go now – I’m being watched. Skynet has self-actualized.

    John Connor

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