Many know Jeff Kimball as the co-host of the popular PoliTalk podcast, as a featured actor in the upcoming American Jubilee movie (www.ajmovie.com), or a former aide to three US Senators. What many people don’t know is that Jeff has led a quiet life as a genetic engineer, resulting in a nomination for one of the most prestigious awards in science.
Yesterday at their bi-decamal meeting, The Fields Foundation announced that Jeff Kimball would be granted the Pioneer of Science Award. Mr. Kimball’s research focuses on the engineering the molecular structure of the Great American Horned Toad and a common Northeastern Hamster. The resulting species, The Great American Horned Toad Northeastern Hamster, or Horny Hamster, is bred for a number of practical purposes.
Recently, Mr. Kimball stunned many in the health field by unveiling the Horny Hamster’s ability to identify cancer cells. “We discovered that the Hamster, when crawling on the human body, identifies areas where cancer cells are growing by initiating a rarely seen tribal dance,” Kimball said, “It’s quite remarkable. Here you have this tiny animal crawling on the stomach of a subject, and then out of nowhere it’s as if a DJ is breaking down slamming tunes. The hamster stands on its hind legs and starts shaking to the most amazing groove. It’s just a classic shakedown, although it’s more Grateful Dead at times than anything else. Unfortunately that’s when we know the cancer is really bad.”
More controversial are the Horny Hamster’s military and national security uses. The hamster has been known to infiltrate terrorist pet shops in foreign countries, mix in with other hamsters, and then when a triggering mechanism is keyed, the hamster proceeds to vomit, eat the vomit, regurgitate the vomit, mix it with a hint of almond and a smattering of blueberry, eat the vomit and then regurgitate it a final time, causing panic in the hamster cage and raising the curiosity of the terrorist pet owner. At that point, the owner comes over and the hamster spontaneously combusts, quite possibly hurting an eye or upper forearm of the terrorist pet owner. “It’s hard finding terrorists that use pet shops as fronts for their ungodly acts of evil,” said Mr. Kimball. “But when we do, the Horny Hamster is the perfect foil. As a Westernized and unusual hamster, it’s usually coveted by pet store owners who are attracted to its cuddly nature. But then when they get close — bam, the Hamster takes them down. Well, not really “down” per se, but it kind of hurts them in a scary way, like a really bad paper cut or an angry cat. I’m just proud to be able to do my part in the War against Terror.”
The award is somewhat controversial because Mr. Kimball holds no actual degree in science or bioengineering, but as a lifelong enthusiast he has built an impressive resume. “Kimball is a visionary,” said GenTech’s Bruce Arnold. “He’s a real jerk personally, but his work is top notch. If you can suffer through 15 minutes with the guy, you’ll learn a lot. I try to actually talk to him only once every few years — that’s the most I can take — but we communicate mostly by email, and so I’m able to validate that the science is good.” Others in the field disagree. “Oh fiddle sticks,” commented Harry M. Smith, Ph.D., M.D., EdD, MA. “In time Mr. Kimball will be revealed to be the fraud that he is. He can take his Horny Hamster and shove it.”
The Fields Medal comes with a monetary award of $18.69. Mr. Kimball plans to use the money for research, and give the remainder to charity. “I’d just like to thank my friends and family for their support,” Kimball concluded. “This really isn’t about me, it’s about the team. I’m just one of many here. It takes a village and we’re all in this together.”
Mr. Kimball is now exploring other uses for the Horny Hamster. “I’m re-engineering it now to shuck corn. Of all the pursuits in life, it’s hard to find value in shucking corn. The corn never comes out perfect — there’s always those little strands left, and it’s just a waste of time. Nobody has ever been able to mechanize this, and so I’m giving it a shot. If we can’t bring technology to bear to solve this terrible problem, then bioengineering will have to do. If I can teach this hamster to shuck the corn and deliver a perfectly clean corn on the cob, think of the ramifications. We’d not only save 2-3 minutes in a day, but the whole corn industry would be turned on its head. This is a game changer. I can feel it.”
For more information, contact Mr. Kimball at Jeff@kimballwriter.com.